Thursday, November 13, 2014

November 12 Day 3 Back

I've decided to  renumber my pages because I am using facebook so I'll go back and un and re number the blog pages.

Today's conversation with my beloved daughter was about people who use you. And by that I mean, learning how to say NO.  As a person who did nothing but volunteer, which is not something I recommend- get the pay check and get the social security benefits, I know all about the user people. They hide in a lot of guises, but they are all the same. These are people who are probably either full blown or borderline narcissists. Sometimes they are just lazy. Maybe they are likeable people, but sometimes they are just sort of bullies or steamrollers. They start out by looking for someone who usually says "yes". It isn't the people they want to OWE anything to. It has to be someone they can never, ever pay back because the situation will not present itself. They are usually not someone you would EVER call your friend- though those people exist, too. Some of them are so persistent that they drop off stuff at your house (like their KID) without notice complaining that they are so LATE to work and you are headed off to drop your kid off at school anyway.  They always have an excuse. Here are a few I've had dumped on me:
"I'm running so late...I have to be in a)court b)the hospital c)the office for a meeting"...just keep adding on things that make their time more valuable than yours.
"You are so LUCKY not to have to work. I can't be there on Saturday for the work day I signed up for but I'll use the space you had when you are done, but please be done by 2 pm so I can get your clean work space and be out of there"
Or the woman who emailed my daughter; "I'm not comfortable driving in LA- can I carpool with you?"  This woman has lived in southern California for years, is 53,  has children, has money, and doesn't KNOW my daughter. She probably was so sure that she had a sucker and she could have a ride that she didn't volunteer to pay for, and she could drink at that party in LA and use my daughter as her designated driver, and she could spend 4 hours of traffic listening to music, chatting or texting on her phone, and then stay at the party as long as SHE wanted to because she would have my daughter as her hostage. Not to mention her complete chance to relax away from her kids.

So here is what you do, if you aren't good at saying NO.

Rule 1.
SAY NO.  Clearly and politely. You may precede it with an "oh dear" and you can say "I can't" if NO is too much for you. (You need to ask yourself WHY that would be so and fix it).

Rule 2.
NEVER EVER give a reason. The User People know all about that one. It is extraordinary what they will tell you. Things like:
You have to visit someone in LA? I can sit in the car and read for HOURS. No problem.
You have a lunch meeting? Ohhhh, where?? I love to find new places to eat and I'll just have lunch in the other room.
You have to see the doctor? OH, I can just sit in the waiting room. No problem at all.

Rule 3
Never break rules one or two because there is some sort of USER network that will refer you on as a sucker who will be too nice to say NO.

Rule 4
Practice saying NO in the mirror. Pretend a boy you couldn't stand is asking you out. That used to be a tricky one. Because if you said you all ready had a date, he could ask WHO. Because if you said you were busy that day, he would ask what else was going on.  If you said, oh sorry I can't. He'd say "what about 4 weeks from now?"  Say NO.

Rule 5
NEVER EVER EVER start with or even  use the phrase "I'm sorry" or worse "I'm soooo sorry" in any part of your refusal. You are NOT sorry. They are sorry. You are standing up for yourself refusing to do someone else's bidding, and they might think you are mean. Trust me, they will move on to someone else. They have a sense of entitlement and don't plan to take care of their own needs and you are just a bump in their road.

Occasionally you will meet someone who will hate you for not doing their bidding. Don't let that dampen your day. The people who know you and like you will know you were just trying not to let someone use you.

I have a phrase- if you aren't jumping in my grave with me or paying my house note, then you can't even try to tell me what to do with my time.  But if you are my true friend, I will help you out any time. I'm just done with people who don't pay it back and you should be , too!

Today's song :

I just love that song.

1 comment:

  1. BRAVO Lynn,
    The users come in all types of packages and they are so adept at manipulation. It takes experience and maturity and a real sense of self preservation to say no. And as Southern women we have been conditioned to be "nice" and go out of our way to help. And the users count on it. And they breed more users. So, on behalf of everyone, just say NO.